Rants Log-in | Search Rants | Account Info

PRAY FOR OPRAH

You don’t have to look for Oprah; she’ll find YOU. Who knew the girl was so NEEDY?! We had heard about her helping people with their books; giving away cars; and dispensing all sorts of sage advice and counsel. You would think that being a guru to a gaggle of fawning sycophants would suffice to fill the void of any empty soul. Apparently, that’s not the case with Oprah.

With all the problems abroad in the country and world, why is it necessary for Oprah to appeal to the entire nation to commiserate with her and help her rid herself of forty pounds that she seems recently to have discovered holding her ample frame hostage? Utterly distraught, at the point of tears, she is now mounting a national appeal for volunteers to assist her in this noble—and apparently patriotic—effort. The way Oprah tells it to the camera, you would think that forty pounds of fat had stalked her and, when she was least aware, leaped up and glommed on to her like a parasite seeking sustenance.

Where is the self-assurance, self-awareness and self-control that Oprah has been preaching to her minions? The bon mots apparently are dispensed by her, on a daily basis, to people who are otherwise weighted down with house and car payments; mounting grocery bills; home and vehicle fuel costs; insurance payments; medical costs; and education expenses, etc. Now, if she expects people, with those quotidian weights to bear, to suck up her plentiful platitudes, then, why does she who has none of those problems need us to console her in her excesses and talk her down from her self-made ledge of lard? What happed with the fat farms—any number of which she could afford at the same time!

Recently, if was revealed that a liposuction doctor was using the fat gleaned from his patients to power his automobile. Now, that’s the guy Oprah should be looking for. They could make a deal; he could hook her up with a fat-extraction device, and she would supply him with a constant source of alternate energy.

Of course, that would take care of only the physical part of the problem. There is also the great burden of having to contend with the marginalization brought about by excessive wealth. Lord only knows what trouble that woman’s seen—what with the market’s fluctuating so crazily, and having to run the gauntlet of Bernie Madoff look-alikes, to boot! Oprah’s out there all alone, folks. Pray for her.