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HAMLET – WHAT A WEENER!

(With abject apologies to William Shakespeare.)

Feeling isolated in the palace, Hamlet takes to making sketches of his private self, then placing them under the doors of various maidens throughout the castle. This activity he terms, “skexing.” Being unfulfilled in this, Hamlet begins to brood:

“To skex or not to skex --- that is the question? – whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of unrequited contact…”

Suddenly, Hamlet spies Ophelia performing her daily prayers. Their eyes meet, and immediately it is decided they would be wed.

Although Hamlet informs Ophelia of his skexing episodes, it is agreed that would be confined to his past. But, Hamlet finds he cannot discontinue the habit.

One day, Polonius intercepts one of these images. All the castle is scandalized. Humiliated, Ophelia takes refuge with the queen in a remote part of the castle. Formerly, she had served the queen as lady-in-waiting, and is thereby held in good stead.

Hamlet, now in deep depression, one night on the parapet, conjures up the ghost of his departed father, who had been king. The specter reveals how he was murdered by his brother, the current king, in order to steal his queen and his throne. This compounds Hamlet’s dilemma, and he decides to approach his uncle, the king.

Hamlet appeals to the king for comfort and support. He reveals the knowledge of his uncle’s perfidy. The king is unmoved. He stares at Hamlet in disgust, saying:

How dare you reproach me, you sniveling palace pervert! What insolence – comparing your base activity with my noble deed! While you were slinking about, perpetrating paper-trails of pretend-petting, I was knocking off your worthless daddy  for a chance to knock up your hot momma!