Rants Log-in | Search Rants | Account Info

THE PLIGHT OF HERMAN CAIN

evokes

CHRIS ROCK

Where is Chris Rock when you need him?! Imagine him with that quizzical look on his face, as he trods the stage with microphone in one hand and the other in an attitude of mock despair:

Herman Cain is the unluckiest niggah in the world! All the niggah wanted was to sell his book. He said to himself, “I’ll get up there with the rest of those crazy, right-wing mofoes; I’ll spread around my special brand of bullshit; get a little face-time with the people; sell a few books; go home; call up a speakers bureau – I’m all set.”

Who knew those crazy, right-wing mofoes were gonna fall in love with this crazy niggah and that off-the-wall, triple-nine bullshit he pulled right out of his ass. I’ll tell you who – besides the rest of us – was the most surprised mofo of ‘em all: Herman Cain, that’s who! That niggah hadn’t the slightest idea that, just by announcing that he was against Obaama he immediately became the Great White Hope of the nutty right-wing. The niggah was unprepared! He had no staff and no plans. When they asked him about his economic consultants, the best the niggah could do was come up with some bank clerk back in the Midwest who had stolen that 9-9-9 bullshit from some kind of a computer game. The niggah had nothin’!

After those crazy, retired Obama-haters in Florida pushed him up to the top of the polls, the niggah still didn’t know what frontrunner means. Frontrunner means, “Strip, niggah, and bend over; you are about to get the digital examination of your life!

This is the point where the niggah shouldda just come clean. He shouldda just said, “Naw, naw, y’all got it wrong; all I wanted to do was sell a few books; I ain’t ready for all this – y’all have a nice day” – and just got his black ass outta there! But, no-o-o; by now the niggah was beginning to believe his own bullshit! He pumped up his chest and said, “I can get through this, just like I entertained them during the debates.”

It was now big time, though – he didn’t realize the pros were gonna peel back the bullshit and ask him real questions. Didn’t the niggah ever watch Meet the Press? Didn’t he know you’re supposed to have real answers to real questions? Damn! The niggah still didn’t get it.

In short, the niggah had no idea who the Neocons were, the crazy mofoes that pushed Bush and Cheney to drag us into that trap called Iraq. The niggah didn’t know that, if you want to be commander-in-chief, you gotta have an idea about the shit that’s gonna get your troops killed!

Now for the coup-de-stupid: Cain said the Chinese might be thinkin’ about gettin’ involved in nuclear weapons. Niggah, the Chinese have been a member of the Nuclear Club since the 1960s! Just this would be enough to sink the ordinary candidate, but those crazy right-wingers hate Obama so much that they are not gonna miss a chance to use this niggah to lead a Black revolt against that half-white, Muslim-ass African mofo in their White House! After that, Cain would be expendable. Then it happened! We found out the Cain, among his other ailments, also suffers from a fatal case of Clintonitis!

Even this may be too much for those phony, religious right-wingers – especially if it comes to them weepy, White women giving their side of the story on TV. Run, Niggah, run!

Thanks a lot, Chris…